I'm Just Saying…

August 12, 2012

It’s The End of The World As We Know It (Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Mayan Calendar)

Filed under: Uncategorized — jillamyrosenblatt @ 12:55 am
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In case you missed the memo, the world is coming to an end. That’s right. On December 21st, the b’ak’tun on the Mayan calendar ends, solar storms erupt, continents shift, mountains collapse into the seas…you know, the usual.

Predictions that the world is coming to an end are the Rodney Dangerfield of culture; they get no respect. Apocalyptic oopsies have been foretold as far back as January 1, 1000 A.D.  when everyone made a beeline for Jerusalem because the end was supposedly nigh. The end was not nigh, but I’m thinking a lot of people were embarrassed when they got home that night. I’m just saying.

It’s no secret that most pearls of wisdom are true: life goes on, the more things change the more they stay the same, if you pay with cash always get a receipt…you get the point. Life does continue to go on, much the same as it always has. It’s hard to believe the world would experience a sudden shift and come to an end. Besides, Die Hard 5 is filming so how can the world be in jeopardy with John McClane on the case?

The most recent “the world is ending so put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye” event was scheduled for May 21, 2011 at 6 p.m. This declaration of doom came courtesy of Harold Camping of Family Radio. I was on the checkout line at Stop N’ Shop at the time, practicing self control by ignoring the Snickers bars. The cashier suddenly said “Oh, we’re all still here. I guess the world didn’t end.” I confess I had forgotten all about it but if the world had come to an end, I would’ve been pretty peeved about passing up that Snickers bar. I’m just saying.

Following that line of thinking, if everyone is about to get their “Mad Max” on in a few short months, what should I do with the remaining time? What should anyone do? Taking the glass is half full approach, is there any upside to this? Let’s see. Want that Snickers bar? Go ahead. Have it. Have ten. To hell with Weight Watchers! And stop those Insanity workouts! Let’s face it, on December 22nd, calories vs. carbs will be irrelevant. Have credit card debt? Not for long. Go shopping, max it out, live large! Hate your boss? Give him a Hallmark card that lets him know it. You’re not getting that promotion anyway. No one is.

While all this sounds gloriously cathartic (not to mention highly irresponsible and ill-advised), impending global disaster is not the carefree, carbo loading yuk fest one might think. First of all, examine the spate of global disaster movies such as The Road, I Am Legend, and The Day After Tomorrow. Where are the showers, the laundry facilities, the supermarkets? I’m sorry, I cannot function properly in a post-apocalyptic world without my Dove soap, even if Dennis Quaid is braving sub-zero temperatures to come to my rescue. I have very sensitive skin. Now, let’s talk paper towel. Good grief, where is the paper towel? It’s a line item in my monthly budget. And excuse me, do you see any hand sanitizer in these films? No, no you don’t.

An impending world meltdown is a free association nightmare for anxiety-ridden germophobes like myself. And let me tell you, enticing perks of irresponsibility now cannot make up for a 28 Days Later bacteria laden, petri dish world without Clorox Wipes. Neither will a piquant combination of nougat, peanuts, and caramel covered in delicious milk chocolate. I’m just saying.

I admit, sometimes the hype gets so big, you can’t help but believe it, just a little. Remember Y2K, when all technology was set to explode on January 1, 2000? The dawn of the millennium would usher in a world in shambles. Everything computerized would pull a Stephen King Maximum Overdrive as we were attacked by our VHS players. Commerce would collapse! It would be a return to the dark ages with nothing but a pencil and an abacus!

Whatever.

In that vein, I suppose there will be some people prepping for the end of the Mayan Long Count Calendar by loading up the underground bunker with canned goods and bottled water. To each his own. As for me, I’ve scheduled a day of beauty to get that mani-pedi I’ve been promising myself. I’d hate to greet the end of the world with unpolished piggies. And I know where I’ll be on “the day”. If you’re not doing anything, meet me at the checkout line at Stop N’ Shop. I’ll be the one with the Snickers bar…just in case.

I’m just saying.

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