I'm Just Saying…

February 22, 2012

A Primer on Time Theory

Filed under: Uncategorized — jillamyrosenblatt @ 11:33 pm
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Scientists have long argued the various philosophies regarding time and the theory of time. These arguments are highly intricate, verbose, and unless you have a doctorate in Physics, all but impossible to understand.

            Not anymore. I present what I hope will be a helpful primer on theories of time. Each theory, to be properly understood, requires an example. For our purposes, we will be using the hypothetical situation of a visit to the DMV.

1. Fatalism: the theory in which a future event is a foregone conclusion. To wit, when you visit the DMV, you will be there for hours. This is a given.

2. Reductionism: the idea that there cannot be a block of time where nothing happens. This theory is blatantly untrue and can be disproved by the above example of a visit to the DMV.

3. Platonism with Respect to Time: Time is an empty vessel. Events happen within this vessel but that doesn’t mean anything will happen. This means you will visit the DMV (the event), wait hours, your number will be called, and you will be told you have the wrong document and you need to come back. Therefore, the original event happened, but NOTHING HAPPENED.

4. McTaggart’s Argument: Time does not exist. This means entering the DMV is like entering a vacuum in which your number never flashes on the digital board. In effect, time ceases to exist and you are never leaving.

5. Presentism: anyone not present does not exist. You are present in the DMV, therefore you exist. You use the time to curse your relatives, who, according to Presentism, do not exist. Why do you curse them? Because when you were a child they took you to the DMV.  You realize the ice cream cone bribes were hardly worth it. You got hosed.    

6. The Growing Universe Theory: things past and present exist, but not things in the future. That is why you sit in the DMV weeping silently, knowing it could be hours before you can escape this sucking black hole and buy a latte. You weep because the latte does not yet exist and at this rate, it never will.

7. Time Travel: time travel theory is exempt from the “DMV Model.” Watch The Terminator. Sarah Connor will explain it all.

This concludes the primer on time, but there is one further theory on time, Jill’s Theory. To wit:

Time exists. It exists in three units: two hours, four hours, and all day. All activities can be assigned a time unit. Food shopping is two hours, a trip to the mall is four hours, waiting at a car dealership while your car gets a tune-up is four hours… but feels like all day. But that’s another theory.


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