I'm Just Saying…

February 2, 2012

Things That Happen After Forty

Filed under: Uncategorized — jillamyrosenblatt @ 2:39 am
Tags: , ,

The big problem with getting older is that no one tells you anything. There is no guide.

As a service to young women everywhere, let me just say, I’m here for you. And as a public service, I give you a glimpse into the future after forty… One day…

 

  1. You will suddenly be ten pounds heavier. It will not matter if you exercise twenty-two out of the twenty-four hours in a day; those ten pounds are yours to keep. They are not coming off. Relax and have cake.
  2. You won’t care how good your legs look in pantyhose; you’re not wearing them  anymore. Ever. Period.
  3. You will realize your lingerie does not need to match.
  4. You will lose your train of thought regularly, sometimes in mid-sentence. You will need a quick recap of what you just said.
  5. You will make a noise when you sit down and when you get up. Everyone does it. It comes with the territory.
  6.  You will shop for pants with an elastic waist band.  On purpose. No, really. I’m serious.
  7. You will notice that some people never get any smarter.
  8. You will know it is statistically impossible for all other drivers to be idiots, imbeciles, or morons. You won’t care.
  9.  No matter how much you clean out your  purse, overnight it will grow again, like the blob.
  10.  The success of your social life will depend on Gas-X.
  11. You will no longer eat leftover Chinese food for breakfast.
  12. You will wonder how you ever ate leftover Chinese food for breakfast.
  13. You will realize very few things are worth your getting out of the recliner. 
  14. You will understand chocolate cake makes everything better. This will never change.
  15. You will learn to ask yourself “Is this worth the aggravation?”
  16. You will find a picture of yourself at 16. You will notice your breasts were two inches higher. Do not lock yourself in the bathroom, sobbing and reminiscing. Go out and buy a Wonder Bra. Oh, and eat a piece of chocolate cake.
  17. You will realize ninety nine percent of the crap that goes on in life isn’t worth worrying about. You will worry anyway. Everyone does.
  18. You will realize your favorite songs are now on the “oldies” station.
  19. Wide waistband, “comfy” underwear will become a staple of your wardrobe.
  20. You will stand in front of the mirror every morning. You will stare at yourself until you say, “It’s not that bad.”
  21. You will aim for happiness. If you find yourself moderately content you will decide you’re ahead of the game.

And finally…

If the shoe fits, buy two pair. If you wait and go back later, they never have your size.

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1 Comment »

  1. I love this. Very smart and so spot on. I say forget aging gracefully. Grab the bull by the damn horns and have the ride of your life. Thanks for sharing!

    Comment by Michelle Zive — February 2, 2012 @ 10:27 am | Reply


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