I'm Just Saying…

January 28, 2012

Career Day

Filed under: Uncategorized — jillamyrosenblatt @ 10:57 pm
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With the current fascination of “celebreality” at an all time high, I started to wonder how this culture craze might affect our educational institutions as they prepare the nation’s youth to look towards a career choice. What might a high school notice to parents look like…

A Message From The Guidance Office

            Don’t forget Lincoln High’s annual Career Day is coming up on April 14th! This is the day when we endeavor to help your children, with their bright impressionable minds, take their first step towards an exciting future.  As the head of Career Counseling, I can tell you quite a few of you parents have spoken to me about what you believe is our lack of adequate information and preparation for the graduating student in the new 21st Century  job market.  As a matter of fact, several of you have been so inflamed, so on fire, about making sure your offspring rise above the sea of competition that you’ve barged into…come into my office without making an appointment!  But does Fern Davis, Senior Guidance Counselor of Lincoln High mind? No, she doesn’t. No, I don’t.  Not at all. I’m just glad that you left the pitchforks and torches at home!

            But seriously folks, it was a pleasure to hear everyone’s animated, impassioned opinions.  And believe you me when I am faced with an angry mob—I mean, enthusiastic group of progenitors—crying out to me that “we don’t want to see anymore crappy paralegals and medical transcriptionists, where are the jobs with the real money?” Fern Davis hears you! Yes, she does. So with that in mind, I have been forced—I mean I am tickled pink—to present our new Lincoln High Career Day “Pathways to Success” Program.

            And boy, what a lineup of speakers we have! You clamored for icons of success and Fern Davis delivers! Our first guest, in the main auditorium at 2 p.m. is none other than Sharon “Shizzle” Carmichael. She will be sharing her secrets about building an exciting and fulfilling career in reality television. Sharon, or I should say, “The Shizzle,” enjoyed earnings of over thirty million dollars last year from, amongst other things, her top rated reality show Sizzle with the Shizzle! “The Shizzle” will be sharing her methods for gaining exposure, figuratively of course, tasteful acts of semi-lewdness, and how to maintain audience interest through public scenes and arrests (all charges being dropped of course!) As an added bonus, all of you fountainheads that are supposed to be providing a role model, aka parents, instead of selling out the next generation of America, will get an up close sneaky-peeky at the inner workings of the life of a reality star, as “The Shizzle” has brought her own camera crew with her so that this entire embarrassing travesty can be featured on next month’s Sizzle with the Shizzle marathon! As if this is not exciting enough, “The Shizzle” will have copies of her bestselling memoir No S**tzle!: The Life and Times of The Shizzle, on sale after her presentation. How about that, hunh?

            For those of you parents who demanded information on “marrying up,” the Shizzle has informed me that she will not be discussing relationships in this presentation as she said she won’t be “goin’ all Kardashian on everyone.”  She is, however, willing to answer any technical questions, in private, relating to “the hookup.” However, the incident reported in last week’s Simmer magazine involving “The Shizzle,” L’il Mo, and the unidentified “Jane Doe” cannot be discussed due to the court gag order.

            As a parting gift there will be a handout detailing “The Shizzle’s” net worth so that you can get a idea of your little nipper’s potential earning power and how well you will be provided for in your declining years.

            Now, for those parents who have enrolled their sons in our Fast Track Rap program, the orientation will be held at 3 p.m. in the gymnasium. Morris “Li’l Mo” Feldman will be here to give the kids some words of advice and instruction on rap stance, isolation moves, popping, the glide, and other rap tips such as content, flow and delivery. Although Li’I Mo” did not complete his junior or senior years here at Lincoln High, leaving us at the tender age of 16…we are so pleased that his entrepreneurship and… gusto  has propelled him to the tippy-top of the rap/film/television stratosphere! We are also very grateful to ‘Li’l Mo” for his generous donation towards a Library/Hip Hop Lounge/Play Station Game Center. We have devised the Fast Track Rap program to match ‘Li’l Mo’s” educational experience here, in order to give your little cherubs every opportunity to succeed. Your little Einsteins won’t have to worry about skipping class in order to pursue their music and dance, because instead of eight periods they will only have four, including lunch and gym class! A written component is not required for this program. Instead of Math, a brief half-semester class “How to Make Sure the MoFo’s don’t Cheat You” is being substituted.

            A few scheduling notes:  Make sure your children enter the raffle as they could win one of the 15 copies “Li’l Mo” is providing as a giveaway, of his #1 bestseller, No S**t!:  Born 2 Rap, The Life and Times of Morris “Li’l Mo” Feldman.

            Also, please note “Li’l Mo” and “The Shizzle” cannot and will not appear together on stage, but in separate venues, due to the court order.  Do not be alarmed at the presence of local law enforcement, it’s merely a precaution.

            All right then parents! I hope you’re happy with the arrangements this institution of higher learning has stooped to in order to satisfy your outrageous demands. Not that I, Fern Davis, Senior Guidance Counselor, mind, because I certainly do not. My motto: give the parents what they want; after all, you know best, even if you are destroying your children, selling out their souls for the all mighty dollar…and your comfy-womfy retirement. But does that bother Fern Davis? No it does not, and I explain why in my new book:  No S**t!!: Confessions of a Guidance Counselor Biatch. Copies are available in the auditorium.  I’ll be available for signings.

One final announcement:  If anyone is interested in the presentations by the paralegal and the medical transcriptionist, they will be in Rooms B121, and B122, that’s in the basement.

            Thank you.




1 Comment »

  1. This is GREAT, Jill. Interesting how it connects with an article I read recently about the publishing industry and how an insider has come out and noted that what the big houses are really buying today is celebrity books: http://pandodaily.com/2012/01/17/confessions-of-a-publisher-were-in-amazons-sights-and-theyre-going-to-kill-us/

    Great to see you blogging again! When I saw this come in my e-mail, I was really excited. I hope you’re doing well. We need to touch base soon!

    Comment by kristipetersenschoonover — January 29, 2012 @ 8:23 am | Reply

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